You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you traded sex for a burrito?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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