Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
