hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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