dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
