You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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