You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
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im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
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But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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