any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
