Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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