got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
