I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
