Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
