if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
