and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
