a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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