my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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