Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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