this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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