Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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