today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
