I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
