i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
