I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
