maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
