The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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