Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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