Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
