took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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