i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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