The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
