Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
