Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
