apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
