My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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