dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
