We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Randomize
