So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
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