I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
