You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
