well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
