He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
