He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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