I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
