but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My penis needs a shock collar
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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