OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
