i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
