Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
