I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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