I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
