she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
