worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
