what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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