That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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