She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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