I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I AM VODKA MAN
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
